Daytona Beach, FL

I left Friday afternoon to head for my Bonkerz shows at The Playa Resort in Daytona Beach, Florida. I was last at this club in July or August, and was happy to see just about all the staff still there. I got set up, caught up with the staff, then headed to my very frigid hotel room. The heater wasn't working, and after 3 calls to the front desk, James the maintenance guy determined the heater was definitely broke (no shit) and hooked me up with a much nicer room. My new room had a heater that worked, a kitchenette-let, AND an easy bake oven. Friday night, show time was 9pm. 9:10pm, and the emcee had not shown up. At 9:15pm, the management made the decision that the emcee was probably not going to show up (no shit). Frank (comedian trainee) made the brief announcement "please welcome to the stage, Traci," and it was time to get the party started. Friday night's show was good, considering I started with an audience that was stone cold, I mean stoned or old, and demographically scattered all over the board. There was something for everyone, but not everything for everyone.

Saturday, I researched some things to do in Daytona, that didn't include shopping. I found a museum in Ormond Beach, that was open from 12-4pm, and admission was $2.00. Had I actually gone, I could have told you whether or not the admission was worth it or a rip-off. Unfortunately, minutes before I was set to leave, I received an email from a booker that set me off, and straightening out the mess consumed the next 2 hours of my time. When the tough gets pissed, the pissed goes shopping...so I headed off to Imagine Beads http://www.imaginebeads.com/. Imagine Beads is a great bead shop, once you find it. My Garmin, obviously didn't want me to go there, judging by how many times I had to "make a U-turn" under I-95 (6 times). I hate you Garmin. $67.10 later...I had several pieces of "mystery metal" in my possession. I have no idea what I'm going to do with, but I HAD to have it.

On my way home, I got pissed at myself for not getting enough sleep, not eating right, not working out, allowing a booker to piss me off for 2 hours, AND for spending $67.10 I didn't need to spend. It was at this point I realized I was getting a little pissy, and decided a nap would be the best use of my time.

When I woke up, I decided I needed sushi. I asked my Garmin where the nearest sushi restaurant was, and it took me straight to one that was no longer open. The next closest one was Tokyo Japanese Steakhouse and Sushi Bar. http://tokyoormondbeach.com/ My sushi chef, made me the 2 most delicious rolls I've had in a long time. The Golden Gate Roll, and the Eel Tempura Crunch roll were to die for. If you go there, ask for Aji (which is Japanese for "horse mackeral" ironically) and Sarah (which is American for "really good waitress"), and tell them Traci the comedian sent you. However, do not go on your birthday! The Happy Birthday song just doesn't sound quite right with Japanese drums as accompaniment. But I will say, it's no where near as annoying as those birthday songs at chain restaurants where the whole staff claps and chants some post-war "I don't know what I been told, but this jerk here is getting old."

Rested for 2 Saturday shows, I was pleased to meet Genesis, our emcee for the evening. Genesis relocated to Orlando for family, but is a bona fide headliner with 24 years comedy experience, doing the club owners a favor by filling in. Our 8pm audience was ready to have fun, and everyone had a killer show! The 10pm audience was riddled with the usual stoned, drunk, high, and/or tired people - so they were a little tougher to keep entertained but we worked hard and got the job done. All in all, it was a great week. Good people, good comedy.

I'd like to thank my fans: the guy who has seen me at least 3x - once in NSB, and 2x in Daytona; Sherry the nurse from Indiana and her college age son who saw both shows; and to the hair stylist and her husband who prepares documents from rich people...send me those pics! I'll post them! To the lovely lady, who was there with her mother and aunt and bought me the shot: thanks! You ladies made the show!

I'd also like to thank the staff:

Montana: lose that zero and get you a hero. You're adorable, and something better will come along quickly.

Kara: have fun with the new truck, and best of luck selling the Sebring. Nice meeting your "sugar daddy." Hope he recovers from his music addiction...I know I'm still in rehab.

Bill: thanks for pouring me the stiff H20 drinky-poos.

Joey: turn your hat around...you've got to be in your 40's.

Paul the GM: you look a LOT like Donny Osmond. Please have purple socks for my next visit.

Paulie aka Chachie: thanks for being my sound guy! You're the best.

Frank aka Comedian Trainee: I'm not giving you Artie Fletcher's phone number. Quit begging.

Paulie aka Chachie

Frank, Comedian Trainee

Genesis and Shay

Joey and Donny Osmond

Montana, Bill and Kara

Ocala, FL

January 9th & 10th, 2009

This trip is the 3rd time I've worked the Bonkerz at Club Zanzabar in Ocala, FL. Each time gets better and better. This run, I opened for veteran Jeff Barrett (pictured above), whose TV credits include an appearance on America's Most Wanted. Jeff and I met about a year ago at a competition in Port Charlotte, FL. He's been in comedy 20 years, but Jeff is also a successful artist and graphic designer outside of comedy. And unlike many comics that rely solely on the food that comedy clubs serve or Chinese buffets, Jeff is vegan. I just so happen to love art and have an interest in eating healthy, so I was looking forward to working with Jeff.

Club Zanzabar and Midnight Rodeo are part of a 2 club entertainment complex in Ocala, FL. Club Zanzabar is the "hip-hop-lights-flashing-pulse-grinding-music-so-loud-it-affects-your-heartbeat" kind of club. Each waitress weighs well under 100 lbs, and isn't wearing much more than a napkin and shoes. Midnight Rodeo is your typical country dance bar, with "faux rawhide" covered mechanical bull in the corner, and faux line dancing cowboys.

Friday night's show - the crowd was awesome! I had a great set. Jeff lost track of time and did an hour and 20 minutes. Miss Gold Liberty and friends started sending beers to the stage, and Jeff was a master at working with the audience. We sold enough t-shirts to buy ourselves a few drinks...and we ended up closing down the bar. We were hungry, so Jeff and I hopped in my car. I punched "Denny's" into my Garmin, which took us right to a Waffle House. Oh well...I enjoyed my chocolate chip waffle and my "splattered and spreaded" hashbrowns. Unbeknownst to Jeff, on my wishlist for Christmas, was a "WH" visor. Every Waffle House I've been to, I ask for a visor. 5 Waffle Houses, 5 NOs. But persistence paid off! This Waffle House had a 2008 Christmas Waffle House Hat, of which now I am the proud owner.

Saturday morning, I was wired at 7am after less than 3 hours of sleep. I spent the morning writing in my journal, playing games on pogo.com, and making jewelry. In the afternoon, Jeff and I headed for lunch at Mother Earth Market. I love trying new foods, and figured I'd see what the vegans had to offer. We had vegan stroganoff (no relation to Bernie Madeoff) made with vegetable protein that sounds like "Satan," spinach noodles, apples and raisins, and a gluten free chocolate chip cookie. It was tasty, I must admit. And I didn't feel sluggish afterwards even though I ate a big meal. Afterwards, we hit the downtown Ocala area and wandered through some shops and an art gallery. After a nap, I headed back for a second show.

The Saturday show didn't have as many people as the first show, but they came to party and have a good time! I had another great show, and Jeff only did an hour. 2 Genesee drinking couples from Buffalo, NY came to the show an hour late, demanding that Jeff "say something funny." Wrong thing to say to Jeff - these folks became part of the show pretty quick. The loud Buffalo NY guy was a frustrated open mic-er, and insisted on trying out new material during Jeff's show. I hated to leave this morning. And obviously my Garmin did too. I punched "Starbucks" into my Garmin for a mint java chip frappacino, and it took me right to Target. I hate you, Garmin.

All in all, it was another great comedy run! I'd like to thank everyone at Club Zanzabar: Phil the manager (pictured above) runs a tight ship; Gabe who ran sound for me; Susanna the waitress (hope you sold those jello shots); Amy the bartender (hope you and the girls had fun in Orlando Saturday night); the really big guy who helped me break down my keyboard and carried my amplifier both nights; 6'9" (one tall MoFo); and the really nice restroom attendant who offered me 2 pieces of gum (one for each ass cheek) so I wouldn't slide off my bar stool. I'd also like to thank Nuclear Power Plant guy who bought me a drink, the flirtacious Michelle who asked me to dance, and the lovely couple who bought Jeff and I a drink on Satuday night (hope your wife found that extra girl for your threesome). I can't forget Scott the pharmacist, who saw both shows in their entirety. I wish everyone would support live comedy like you! I can't forget a very special thank you to the nice Ocala police officer Jeff and I met on the way to the Denny's we never did find. He could have ruined our great weekend in a matter of minutes, but he chose to support live comedy too. Thanks to Art at the Golden Palms Hotel (he thought I was "hot," God bless him), thanks to Bonkerz Comedy for the gig, and thanks to Jeff Barrett for being so cool to hang out with. Check out Jeff's site at http://www.grinnandbarrett.org/

Tennessee Tramp at McCurdy's

Thursday, January 8th, 2009


The BIG Florida State game was on tonight, and Les McCurdy looked through his roladex looking for a comic that wouldn't care if he/she missed the game or not. Traci Kanaan doesn't watch football...bingo! So I got to host the show Thursday night for Queen of the Trailer Park, Janet Wiliams aka The Tennessee Tramp. I heard all good things about Janet over the years, but our comedy paths had not yet crossed.

Thursday is open mic at McCurdy's, and there were 4 open mic-ers scheduled to perform. 3 female, 1 male. Thankfully, the male open mic-er didn't show...not because he's male...but because he's just a shitty open mic-er. He's filthy, and has to drop his pants to get a laugh. The 3 women open mic-ers are relatively new to the business, and working through some material. The audience was tight. The usual McCurdy's intro of upcoming comedians and the short movie "humor appetizer" was gone, due to a problem with the projector. So it was a quick music intro and a "please give it up for your host and emcee Traci Kanaan." I did my best I could before turning it over to the open mic portion, but the audience was not willing to give up laughs for free. First up: Cindy, the recovering middle school teacher, did all right. It'll get better Cindy. Keep working at it!

Second up: Long Island Mary is serious about this business, and started her own open mic at Linger Lodge in Bradenton for additional practice. She did well, and you will see more from Mary in the future.


Third up: Amy, who goosed me. Amy...well...had a little too much to drink, forgot her notes, forgot her routine - yet managed to stretch "drink when I say POT" to 6.5 minutes. Fortunately, Amy is cute and got away with it. Amy is naturally funny - and I hope to see her do material next time.

As for me - I did my usual show with 2 new parodies: Oh What a Dyke, and Bologna. Oh What a Dyke went well. Bologna needs work. My closer did the job - and prepared the audience for The World Famous Tennessee Tramp.

I loved Janet. What an inspiration! Janet does a good show. She's extremely sharp and professional, works the business, and does it right. With my background promotional products, I could tell by the quality of what she sold that she has given this some thought. She encouraged all of us women comics to follow our heart, and be prepared for the comedy industry to treat us women like shit. I had to laugh when she sold her Pussy Power bumper stickers to one of the guys at the show and said "You're never going to get this much pussy for 2 bucks." The Princess of Parodies, humbled by The Queen of the Trailer Parks. Hope to work with you again, Janet! And I hope to see Cindy, Mary and Amy really soon.

Nude Year's Resolutions

Ok - my new year's resolution is to blog more often about my shows. And what better show to start with - then my first show of the year at Caliente Resort...a nudist resort north of Tampa. Unfortunately - there will be no pictures of this show to post - as cameras are not allowed at the resort (at least that's what the signs said).
Before I get to the nitty titty...I meant gritty...let me mention a few things I had to think about before the show.
I posted a few "updates" on facebook and myspace: Traci is performing at a nudist resort. I guess I can't pretend that everyone is naked. I got a few comments - mostly about the material I would glean from this experience, and how the people that go to nudist resorts are the ones you don't want to see naked anyway. My friend "Y" told me her parents attended a nudist colony, and that they commented one of their friends had dressed up for the evening. She wore earrings. I was told by the booker, Larry, that I was not to do jokes about "swingers." I had no idea nudists did not like monkeys or Tarzan. Fortunately, I don't have any monkey or Tarzan jokes - so that was easy. Peter Hefty, a seasoned comedy veteran and my co-headliner this evening seemed familiar with Mexican nudist resorts (I did not ask for details, and none were offered), and he knew that nudists prefer to be called naturalists. And last but not least - I worked with headliner, Joanne Pinnizotto, who years ago performed at a nudist resort and made the comment "do you know what jiggles when you laugh?"

Now, I get to the gig. The guard at Caliente's entrance was wearing clothes, an unsexy polo with unsexy dress pants. Hmm. We pull up to the entrance, and the young gentlemen working at the club house all wore the same unsexy attire. Hmm. The Clubhouse is exquisite and well done - this can not be a cheap place to live. But I'm thinking these people can afford it, because they sure aren't spending money on clothes! Or are they?
We unload and walk into the club, and everyone has clothing on. A woman walked by wearing a shear scarf with fringe. Her date wore a shirt and sport coat. No pants. But he appeared to sport a deliciously prepared banana hammock. And while I set up my gear - the audience arrived in various states of dress. Some with no shirts, some with no pants. One woman was wearing a "fish net" type covering which left little to the imagination.
There were beach towels draped over the bar stools, although many folks BYOT'd it (brought their own towel).
The stage was up high and in front of a dance floor - the folks were seated far enough away and in the dark that I couldn't be distracted by the stuff that jiggles when you laugh. And a good thing too - because they were ready to laugh! I had a blast! The folks at Caliente were all beautiful, smart, and most important - very comfortable in their own skin. Seeing Peter Hefty perform for the first time in several years was a treat too, and his show was the perfect icing on the cake. Thanks again Larry, Peter, and Caliente! Hope to see you again real soon. Traci

Mary DePinto

Phone calls at 6:22am are never good. And the one I got this morning from my mother was no different. My grandmother passed away, at the age of 94. I got to have dinner with her 2 weeks ago, at my favorite Italian restaurant. She had her usual, chicken fingers and 5 sugar packets with a splash of coffee. She pushed her 4'7" frame around in a walker with the tennis balls on the legs. I made her a wire wrapped bracelet for Christmas, but I gave it to her before we went out to eat. I wanted her to enjoy it before Christmas. I'm so glad I did.


My grandmother was the oldest girl in her Italian family, and when her mother died when she was 9 or 10, it became her duty to raise the rest of the children in the family and take care of the house. None of the other girls in the family can get married until the oldest daughter gets married...so she got married a bit sooner than she probably wanted. After taking care of her brothers and sisters, she had 3 children of her own which she raised. And when they married and kids, she often babysat her grandchilren, my cousins. She saw each of her own 3 children get married, each of her 6 grandchildren get married, and got to hold all 6 of her great grandchildren. She lived for births, showers, christenings, weddings, and family Christmas parties. She lived for family.


Being as old as she was, she outlived a few members of her own family, including her husband, Frank; her eldest and only son Frank Jr; her son-in-law/my father George Kanaan; and several of her brothers and sisters.


I have so many good memories of my Grandmother:

Making home-made pasta with her. She would get upset because I turned the crank to fast.

When I ate the raw pasta dough (raw egg in it), she'd remind me that I was going to get "a belly-ache."

The "belly-ache."

Her plastic fruit on the kitchen table.

Her cavatelli and home-made sauce.

Playing in the cellar of her home (Italians don't have "basements.")

Her scrambled eggs - so fluffy and yellow.

Eating cereal out of the Fleishman margarine containers.

Eating my favorite cookies she made: the ones with clear glaze and colored ball sprinkles.

Peaches, the parakeet.

Peaches, the other parakeet.

The figurines on her end tables.

The bubble lights in the windows at Christmas.

Me telling my non-Catholic husband that my Grandma was going to ask if he was Catholic, and that he should ay "Yes."

When My Grandma did ask my husband if he was Catholic, he answered..."Traci told me to tell you "Yes."

Trying to explain to my grandmother that my husband was an "environmental consultant to the development industry." She didn't quite grasp it, so we left it at..."He works outside."

Her using a pipe fixture to clear the fluid out of her lungs. She reminded me of the caterpillar smoking the hookah in Alice in Wonderland.

Her hitting me, when I teased her about "smokin' the hookah." I had no idea she knew what I was talking about.

Me being surprised that she had a sense of humor. She laughed at some of my off-the-cuff quips.

Me being asked to come to Cleveland for Christmas - because it might be Grandma's last Christmas. This happened for at least 20 straight Christmases.

Giving my grandmother my bouquet at my wedding, because she had been married the longest.

Grandma...you will be missed. Rest in peace. At 94...you earned it.


The picture is of my cousin Stephanie, my Aunt Rose, my Grandmother, my mother, and myself on Mother's Day 2008.

Traci's Road Trip - Continued

Thursday - Saturday, May 8th-10th

After Mammoth Cave, KY - it was on to Snickerz in Ft. Wayne, Indiana. I spent all day preparing my act, and getting ready for my big first TV appearance. I went to the club early to set up - and found out they cancelled the TV appearance. Bummer! That was the whole reason for the road trip! But I had the show of a lifetime that night. It was awesome! Friday and Saturday were much tougher...with the Saturday late show resulting in 8 drunk, self-centered, slutty, bitchy home health nurses getting kicked out of the show. The emcee started it, calling the one a fat porn star. I hate to admit it...but the description was accurate. And evidently they were still pissed the observation 15 minutes into my show. I was doing pretty good...then I just felt like I lost the audience. They were talking...I had to go after them. They were escorted out a few minutes later...with the audience cheering they had left. I loved meeting Kevin Ferguson, host of the TV show Night Shift. They liked me enough to book me again, for a taping of the TV show in October. And the waitstaff at Snickerz was great!

Sunday, May 11th

I left Fort Wayne for a 3 hour drive to Cleveland, where I spent Mother's Day with my mom, and had dinner with the rest of my family at my cousin Stephanie's house. My grandmother was looking especially well, considering she turns 95 next week!

Monday, May 12th

I began heading towards Lancaster, SC. I stopped for an evening in Princeton, West Virginia. Because I'm not wrapped real tight, I actually ate sushi there in West (by God) Virginia. If you've never been to West Virginia, you may not know that sushi isn't grown there. But the restaurant, Kimono's found a way to get it there fresh, because it was delicious! Oishi!

Tuesday, May 13th

The final stretch to Lancaster, SC. On the way I stopped in a place called JR's in Statesville, NC. JR's is like Big Lots on steriods! I found some puzzles in a tin for $5 each, work out videos for $4, and books on tape for $6. So much for my comedy winnings. Finally made it to Lancaster, SC, where I was welcomed with my name in lights...for the first time!

It was a great show (in spite of the birthday party crashers), and I met some really talented comics! Tony Boswell the comic who hosts the show at The Lancaster Tavern, placed 2nd in The Seattle International Comedy Competition. He's very, very funny!

Please check out his website: http://www.tonyboswell.com/

Tony Boswell, me, Reverend Drew, and Steve Fucile

Wednesday, May 14th

I woke up to an 8 hour drive to Orlando. My first show of 4 was in Clermont. My Garmin took me to a location that was no where near the club. I was a little late getting there, and had 30 minutes to set up my keyboard. And then...I had a car accident. Errr...and accident with my car. I slammed the trunk lid down...except my big nose was in the way. OUCH! And then...I realized I was bleeding. A lot. 20 minutes to show time. I got the bleeding under control, but still had a gash on my face, that could have easily been concealed with make up. Had I not left my make up bag in the hotel room. The show went ok, even though I looked like Gene Simmons in drag...but I was hurting. The staff gave me a rubber glove with ice in it for the trip home...a lovely parting gift.

Thursday, May 15th

I had not seen Mike in over a week and a half - the longest we have ever been apart in 12 years. I missed him dearly. I told him of my misadventure with car...and he came to see me in Orlando. It really cheered me up! We had a great time. Memorable moment - we were eating lunch at the Crazy Buffet. There were 2 men sitting next to us. One appeared to be a Jewish midget, the other a tall black man. The black man kept trying to engage the Jewish midget into a conversation with questions like, "Is The Green Lantern a member of the Justice League?" "Is Captain American a member of the Justice League?" Mike and I are hysterical. When they both left for another trip to the buffet, I started asking Mike "Is Wonder Woman part of the Justice League?" I wish I had the courage to ask what their connection to each other was. e-Harmony gone horribly wrong.

The show was in Sanford, FL at a place called Captain's Cove. My last visit there in August 2007 ended with a skinny drunk guy with a mullet cut launching a beer bottle at the headliner. With my recent nose injury, I was a little nervous about engaging the audience in conversation. However, I had a great show - and enjoyed working with funny man James Yon.

After the show, I headed back to the Holiday Inn in Altamonte Springs, home of the World Famous Why Not Lounge. This dance club is really fun, and is the #1 place for people watching in the world. There are several people there, that you could walk up to and say "The 80's called, and they want your shit back!" Any other meat market in the world, I'm about a 4. But there, I'm an 8.5! It's a good feeling.

Friday, May 16th

Lump day. I sat around in the hotel room, and rested. Just tired. The show was in The Why Not Lounge...and it was a really good show. Dexter Angry was the headliner. He made me laugh out loud! Doesn't happen much. I wonder if he's a member of the Justice League?

Traci Kanaan, Princess of Parodies and Road Warrior

It is now Day 4 of my road trip...so allow me to recap:

Day 1 (May 4th, 2008): Drove 575 miles to Birmingham, AL. Al Ernst (fellow comedian and host of E-Man Nation radio show) got me a guest set at The Stardome, one of the nicest clubs I've ever performed in. Josh Blue was headlining, Mike Winfield featured. Since I was the guest set, I was first up and did a tight, very funny 7 minute set. They seemed impressed, and I think some really good things will come from this.

Day 2: (May 5th) Began driving north, not sure where I'd end up but had Mammoth Cave, KY on my mind. 5pm - I pulled off I-65 and I was at Mammoth Cave. I checked out the Mammoth Cave hotel, and decided to take them up on their buy 1 night, get the 2nd night 50% off. The Mammoth Cave Hotel was by no means the plushest fanciest place I've ever stayed. But it reminded me of every hotel I stayed at between 1974 and 1982. You know, those hotels you were happy to get to on those "Are we there yet?" vacations you take with your parents. Wi-fi was only available in the hotel lobby, since the hotel had not yet uncovered the mystery of how to get wi-fi into my personal hotel room. Sigh. So many great technological advances...and yet so few made their way to Mammoth Cave.

Day 3 (May 6th): On a whim, I signed up for The Grand Avenue cave tour, $24, 4 miles, 4.5 hours underground with 40+ strangers, and 4 teens asking "Are we there yet?" While they can't get wi-fi into my hotel room, they did figure out how to hard wire 4+ miles of cave with enough cable to light it. They even had phones, and a lunchroom in there. No wi-fi in my hotel room. I guess we all have our priorities. The tour, was awesome. Ranger Ron and Ranger Joel had great stories about the cave - mostly about how the cave owners would try to sabotage each other and lie to tourists to trick them into coming into their cave. "Mammoth Cave? I wouldn't go there unless you don't mind getting...tuberculosis..." "Mammoth Cave? It's not there anymore. The owner dynamited just this morning. But this cave over here you can go in..." My favorite story, was how the tour guides made extra money by letting you write your name on the cavern wall. You could pay them a fee, and your name would be there forever. And you can still pay the fee...if you don't mind everyone calling it "a federal offense." When we entered the cave, we were greeted by 2 little cave bats, Drack and Kula. Cute as can be...but all bats are when they're asleep!

Day 4 (May 7th): Took a walk through the Mammoth Cave woods. Saw where the Styx River (an underground river) met the Green River (the start of an above ground river). Saw 2 deer. I'm afraid of deer now after seeing "When Animals Attack." All I need is for my perfume Obsession to smell like Faun in Heat scent - and I got Bucks all over me, and none of them are from Tampa Bay. (Yeah, I'm not well, I know this and I deal.) After re-using the hotel lobby as my office, I hopped in the car not sure where I'd end up. I hoped to audition for a club in Louisville, only to find out minutes before I left they were doing improv that night and no one would be there to see me. So I drove, and made a few phone calls. A comedy angel suggested I head towards Indy, and within 10 minutes I had a hotel reserved for me in Greenwood, IN. I'll be performing at Oneliners in October, and enjoyed the tour of this beautiful club with a plane sticking out of the roof. Can't wait to come back here! Tomorrow, I head towards Ft Wayne, IN, where I'll work with headliner Steve Burr, and can be seen on Night Shift with Kevin Ferguson. It's all good!