Mary DePinto

Phone calls at 6:22am are never good. And the one I got this morning from my mother was no different. My grandmother passed away, at the age of 94. I got to have dinner with her 2 weeks ago, at my favorite Italian restaurant. She had her usual, chicken fingers and 5 sugar packets with a splash of coffee. She pushed her 4'7" frame around in a walker with the tennis balls on the legs. I made her a wire wrapped bracelet for Christmas, but I gave it to her before we went out to eat. I wanted her to enjoy it before Christmas. I'm so glad I did.


My grandmother was the oldest girl in her Italian family, and when her mother died when she was 9 or 10, it became her duty to raise the rest of the children in the family and take care of the house. None of the other girls in the family can get married until the oldest daughter gets married...so she got married a bit sooner than she probably wanted. After taking care of her brothers and sisters, she had 3 children of her own which she raised. And when they married and kids, she often babysat her grandchilren, my cousins. She saw each of her own 3 children get married, each of her 6 grandchildren get married, and got to hold all 6 of her great grandchildren. She lived for births, showers, christenings, weddings, and family Christmas parties. She lived for family.


Being as old as she was, she outlived a few members of her own family, including her husband, Frank; her eldest and only son Frank Jr; her son-in-law/my father George Kanaan; and several of her brothers and sisters.


I have so many good memories of my Grandmother:

Making home-made pasta with her. She would get upset because I turned the crank to fast.

When I ate the raw pasta dough (raw egg in it), she'd remind me that I was going to get "a belly-ache."

The "belly-ache."

Her plastic fruit on the kitchen table.

Her cavatelli and home-made sauce.

Playing in the cellar of her home (Italians don't have "basements.")

Her scrambled eggs - so fluffy and yellow.

Eating cereal out of the Fleishman margarine containers.

Eating my favorite cookies she made: the ones with clear glaze and colored ball sprinkles.

Peaches, the parakeet.

Peaches, the other parakeet.

The figurines on her end tables.

The bubble lights in the windows at Christmas.

Me telling my non-Catholic husband that my Grandma was going to ask if he was Catholic, and that he should ay "Yes."

When My Grandma did ask my husband if he was Catholic, he answered..."Traci told me to tell you "Yes."

Trying to explain to my grandmother that my husband was an "environmental consultant to the development industry." She didn't quite grasp it, so we left it at..."He works outside."

Her using a pipe fixture to clear the fluid out of her lungs. She reminded me of the caterpillar smoking the hookah in Alice in Wonderland.

Her hitting me, when I teased her about "smokin' the hookah." I had no idea she knew what I was talking about.

Me being surprised that she had a sense of humor. She laughed at some of my off-the-cuff quips.

Me being asked to come to Cleveland for Christmas - because it might be Grandma's last Christmas. This happened for at least 20 straight Christmases.

Giving my grandmother my bouquet at my wedding, because she had been married the longest.

Grandma...you will be missed. Rest in peace. At 94...you earned it.


The picture is of my cousin Stephanie, my Aunt Rose, my Grandmother, my mother, and myself on Mother's Day 2008.

Traci's Road Trip - Continued

Thursday - Saturday, May 8th-10th

After Mammoth Cave, KY - it was on to Snickerz in Ft. Wayne, Indiana. I spent all day preparing my act, and getting ready for my big first TV appearance. I went to the club early to set up - and found out they cancelled the TV appearance. Bummer! That was the whole reason for the road trip! But I had the show of a lifetime that night. It was awesome! Friday and Saturday were much tougher...with the Saturday late show resulting in 8 drunk, self-centered, slutty, bitchy home health nurses getting kicked out of the show. The emcee started it, calling the one a fat porn star. I hate to admit it...but the description was accurate. And evidently they were still pissed the observation 15 minutes into my show. I was doing pretty good...then I just felt like I lost the audience. They were talking...I had to go after them. They were escorted out a few minutes later...with the audience cheering they had left. I loved meeting Kevin Ferguson, host of the TV show Night Shift. They liked me enough to book me again, for a taping of the TV show in October. And the waitstaff at Snickerz was great!

Sunday, May 11th

I left Fort Wayne for a 3 hour drive to Cleveland, where I spent Mother's Day with my mom, and had dinner with the rest of my family at my cousin Stephanie's house. My grandmother was looking especially well, considering she turns 95 next week!

Monday, May 12th

I began heading towards Lancaster, SC. I stopped for an evening in Princeton, West Virginia. Because I'm not wrapped real tight, I actually ate sushi there in West (by God) Virginia. If you've never been to West Virginia, you may not know that sushi isn't grown there. But the restaurant, Kimono's found a way to get it there fresh, because it was delicious! Oishi!

Tuesday, May 13th

The final stretch to Lancaster, SC. On the way I stopped in a place called JR's in Statesville, NC. JR's is like Big Lots on steriods! I found some puzzles in a tin for $5 each, work out videos for $4, and books on tape for $6. So much for my comedy winnings. Finally made it to Lancaster, SC, where I was welcomed with my name in lights...for the first time!

It was a great show (in spite of the birthday party crashers), and I met some really talented comics! Tony Boswell the comic who hosts the show at The Lancaster Tavern, placed 2nd in The Seattle International Comedy Competition. He's very, very funny!

Please check out his website: http://www.tonyboswell.com/

Tony Boswell, me, Reverend Drew, and Steve Fucile

Wednesday, May 14th

I woke up to an 8 hour drive to Orlando. My first show of 4 was in Clermont. My Garmin took me to a location that was no where near the club. I was a little late getting there, and had 30 minutes to set up my keyboard. And then...I had a car accident. Errr...and accident with my car. I slammed the trunk lid down...except my big nose was in the way. OUCH! And then...I realized I was bleeding. A lot. 20 minutes to show time. I got the bleeding under control, but still had a gash on my face, that could have easily been concealed with make up. Had I not left my make up bag in the hotel room. The show went ok, even though I looked like Gene Simmons in drag...but I was hurting. The staff gave me a rubber glove with ice in it for the trip home...a lovely parting gift.

Thursday, May 15th

I had not seen Mike in over a week and a half - the longest we have ever been apart in 12 years. I missed him dearly. I told him of my misadventure with car...and he came to see me in Orlando. It really cheered me up! We had a great time. Memorable moment - we were eating lunch at the Crazy Buffet. There were 2 men sitting next to us. One appeared to be a Jewish midget, the other a tall black man. The black man kept trying to engage the Jewish midget into a conversation with questions like, "Is The Green Lantern a member of the Justice League?" "Is Captain American a member of the Justice League?" Mike and I are hysterical. When they both left for another trip to the buffet, I started asking Mike "Is Wonder Woman part of the Justice League?" I wish I had the courage to ask what their connection to each other was. e-Harmony gone horribly wrong.

The show was in Sanford, FL at a place called Captain's Cove. My last visit there in August 2007 ended with a skinny drunk guy with a mullet cut launching a beer bottle at the headliner. With my recent nose injury, I was a little nervous about engaging the audience in conversation. However, I had a great show - and enjoyed working with funny man James Yon.

After the show, I headed back to the Holiday Inn in Altamonte Springs, home of the World Famous Why Not Lounge. This dance club is really fun, and is the #1 place for people watching in the world. There are several people there, that you could walk up to and say "The 80's called, and they want your shit back!" Any other meat market in the world, I'm about a 4. But there, I'm an 8.5! It's a good feeling.

Friday, May 16th

Lump day. I sat around in the hotel room, and rested. Just tired. The show was in The Why Not Lounge...and it was a really good show. Dexter Angry was the headliner. He made me laugh out loud! Doesn't happen much. I wonder if he's a member of the Justice League?

Traci Kanaan, Princess of Parodies and Road Warrior

It is now Day 4 of my road trip...so allow me to recap:

Day 1 (May 4th, 2008): Drove 575 miles to Birmingham, AL. Al Ernst (fellow comedian and host of E-Man Nation radio show) got me a guest set at The Stardome, one of the nicest clubs I've ever performed in. Josh Blue was headlining, Mike Winfield featured. Since I was the guest set, I was first up and did a tight, very funny 7 minute set. They seemed impressed, and I think some really good things will come from this.

Day 2: (May 5th) Began driving north, not sure where I'd end up but had Mammoth Cave, KY on my mind. 5pm - I pulled off I-65 and I was at Mammoth Cave. I checked out the Mammoth Cave hotel, and decided to take them up on their buy 1 night, get the 2nd night 50% off. The Mammoth Cave Hotel was by no means the plushest fanciest place I've ever stayed. But it reminded me of every hotel I stayed at between 1974 and 1982. You know, those hotels you were happy to get to on those "Are we there yet?" vacations you take with your parents. Wi-fi was only available in the hotel lobby, since the hotel had not yet uncovered the mystery of how to get wi-fi into my personal hotel room. Sigh. So many great technological advances...and yet so few made their way to Mammoth Cave.

Day 3 (May 6th): On a whim, I signed up for The Grand Avenue cave tour, $24, 4 miles, 4.5 hours underground with 40+ strangers, and 4 teens asking "Are we there yet?" While they can't get wi-fi into my hotel room, they did figure out how to hard wire 4+ miles of cave with enough cable to light it. They even had phones, and a lunchroom in there. No wi-fi in my hotel room. I guess we all have our priorities. The tour, was awesome. Ranger Ron and Ranger Joel had great stories about the cave - mostly about how the cave owners would try to sabotage each other and lie to tourists to trick them into coming into their cave. "Mammoth Cave? I wouldn't go there unless you don't mind getting...tuberculosis..." "Mammoth Cave? It's not there anymore. The owner dynamited just this morning. But this cave over here you can go in..." My favorite story, was how the tour guides made extra money by letting you write your name on the cavern wall. You could pay them a fee, and your name would be there forever. And you can still pay the fee...if you don't mind everyone calling it "a federal offense." When we entered the cave, we were greeted by 2 little cave bats, Drack and Kula. Cute as can be...but all bats are when they're asleep!

Day 4 (May 7th): Took a walk through the Mammoth Cave woods. Saw where the Styx River (an underground river) met the Green River (the start of an above ground river). Saw 2 deer. I'm afraid of deer now after seeing "When Animals Attack." All I need is for my perfume Obsession to smell like Faun in Heat scent - and I got Bucks all over me, and none of them are from Tampa Bay. (Yeah, I'm not well, I know this and I deal.) After re-using the hotel lobby as my office, I hopped in the car not sure where I'd end up. I hoped to audition for a club in Louisville, only to find out minutes before I left they were doing improv that night and no one would be there to see me. So I drove, and made a few phone calls. A comedy angel suggested I head towards Indy, and within 10 minutes I had a hotel reserved for me in Greenwood, IN. I'll be performing at Oneliners in October, and enjoyed the tour of this beautiful club with a plane sticking out of the roof. Can't wait to come back here! Tomorrow, I head towards Ft Wayne, IN, where I'll work with headliner Steve Burr, and can be seen on Night Shift with Kevin Ferguson. It's all good!

Pasta, Hobby Lobby, & Kool Aid

I ended up in Cleveland last month, impromptu trip. My Italian grandmother was very sick. She’s 94. If I cooked every night, I would think of her more often, because I have her pots and pans that she bought over 50 years ago. I once calculated that if she made pasta every Sunday for 50 years straight, those pots and pans would have seen 4.293 tons of flour, 35,908 tomatoes, and the eggs from 6902 chickens go through them. Sometimes even I’m surprised at just how complete my OCD is.

I had a great couple of shows in Ocala and Lady Lake last weekend. I love Club Zanzibar in Ocala. The bar maids wear outfits so skimpy that they make the girls at Hooters look like they're wearing mumus. I had a fun lunch with Tony Gaud, a Tampa headliner on his way. He was headlining at the other comedy club in Ocala that same weekend. I shared the stage with 2 great comics, Mike Allen and Sonya White. Mike Allen and I had a blast at The Hobby Lobby in Ocala. It's like a Michaels and Pier One Imports on STERIODS. Turning your spare bedroom into a meth lab? Everything you need is at The Hobby Lobby. On Sunday, I spent the day at Silver Springs, then headed to The Villages in Lady Lake. I liked Lady Lake, but I kept getting the feeling The Villages is one pitcher of Kool-Aid short of a cult. No less than 3 people REALLY wanted to tell me about The Villages, the world's largest retirement village and micro-economy (according to the local radio personality, who works for the radio station owned by The Villages). Hey Kool-Aid! Oh YEAH! The comedy club was emceed by The Godfather. I don't know his name, he's just The Godfather. Or Elvis. I wasn't sure. Sonya White, who does great impressions (though not a Godfather or Elvis impression), was taking a break from her Southern Fried Chicks tour. She's a real pro. I'm very seldom booked with other female comics, so working with her was a real treat.

This weekend I have a show at the East Village Cabaret which I’m looking forward to, followed by a show in Tallahassee with The Disgruntled Clown. Check out his website at http://www.disgruntledclown.com/

Next month – is a biggie. I travel to Fort Wayne, IN, thanks to Al Ernst, who I worked with on the radio show. A TV credit is in my future there, on Night Shift with Kevin Ferguson. Woohoo! I also have shows in Clermont, Sanford, Altamonte Springs, Lakeland, and Daytona. While I am looking forward to my adventures on the road, I know I will miss my husband, Mike, and my pets. Ok, I won't miss Fred, the psycho blue and gold macaw. And I won't miss that part where my one of my cats throws up on the bed every other morning. But I'll definitely miss my husband.

Follow up to “I Killed”

2 weeks after I wrote the blog, my SCRABBLE friend and her daughter showed up at the next SCRABBLE meeting. The daughter, was wearing my shirt, that says “That which does not kill me only continues to piss me off.”
I forgot that I had sold my friend’s husband one of those shirts. He bought it for his daughter, for her upcoming birthday. Her birthday had come and gone in the last 2 weeks, and her mother presented her with the shirt that her father had bought for her. I had someone take a picture of us for my myspace site, and sent her a copy of the picture with a link to the blog.

I didn’t hear back from her for several weeks.

When she did finally read the blog, she said she was touched, and asked if they could read part of it at the memorial service. Of course!

I Killed

"I killed" in comedy means you had a great show. There's also book out called I Killed, which is a collection of humorous and scary stories from famous comedians while on the road. For obvious reasons, like I'm not famous, I'm not mentioned in the book. But if I was asked, I think this story would be my contribution to the book.

On February 22nd at the East Village Cabaret, I had a great show. I shared the billing with comedian and ventriloquist Mark James. The folks at East Village Cabaret were awesome, and my new closer worked big time. It was a good night.

The audience was mostly friends and family of Mark and I. One of the couples in attendance was a lady from my SCRABBLE club, and her husband. I had never met her husband, but knew he had some health issues and I always asked how he was doing. I knew he had been out of the hospital for several months.

After the show, he told me over and over how much he enjoyed himself. I thanked them for coming.

Tonight at SCRABBLE, my friend told me that "I killed" her husband. He passed away on February 29th, one week after the show. I am still shocked that she was at SCRABBLE just 4 days after he passed away, and was as upbeat as she was. He died quickly, and she was thankful he didn't have any prolonged suffering. She told me (confirmed by her daughter), that all he spoke about the last week of his life, was how much he enjoyed my show at East Village Cabaret, and how much fun he had. That show was probably their last big evening out as a couple, and will remain a positive memory for my friend.

This reminded me of another man that saw me perform about 2 years ago. He passed away 2 weeks after seeing me perform. His wife and friends later told me how much he loved my show and what a good time he had seeing me perform. That man was my father.

Unfortunately, death doesn't make for a blossoming fan base. But it makes me very happy to know that I was able to bring someone laughs and joy, their last days on earth.

Rubonia Mardi Gras - February 24th, 2008

Please come to the Rubonia Mardi Gras, February 24th, 2008.

This year will feature the 1st (hopefully annual) Bed Races! The officiator of The Bed Races, is yours truly, Traci Kanaan, The Mistress of the Mattresses! Bed Races start at 12 Noon. See http://www.ruboniamardigras.org/ for rules and papers that don't hold the event sponsors liable for anything.

The best part of the Rubonia Mardi Gras, of course is the parade. See video below:

Parade starts at 2:30pm - and offers some great entertainment for all ages. The parade finale will be the Anheuser Busch Clydesdales! The horses should be at this event, because I know for a fact I see a BudLight truck 3 times a day making deliveries to the ONLY convenient store in Rubonia. So come on out!

So...why do I have a blog?

So I wondered to myself, why do I have a blog? Obviously, I haven't been able to update it since August or September. Which tells you, I'm either too busy to keep up with it, too lazy to keep up with it, or in a coma. 2 out of 3 ain't bad...you guess which 2!

In October, I did comedy - but I'm not sure I remember where. My cousin Stephanie got married, and my mother, Mike and I went to her wedding. My cousin and her husband, Bob, were absolutely at their best that day. The Catholic priest was quite disappointed he couldn't get anyone in the little dark booth for confession. But hey! It's a little dark booth with a Catholic priest in it! And I'm not going to pay much attention to his "marriage" advice either. But that's just me.

We also hosted our 2nd Annual Clam Bake by the Bayou, 800 clams for 125 people and 2 port-o-lets. It was our best Clam Bake ever (out of the 2). The big decision for next year is do we try and break the 1000 clam mark? These are tough decisions, especially when you try to make them after a shot of tequila, while doing the YMCA, before jumping in the kiddy bounce house. (picture at left) Mike's Dad, Bill, steamed all 800 clams, and not a bad one in the bunch.

In November, I did a LOT of comedy. I took a "clean" comedy class. I took 4th in another Carnival Cruise Comedy Challenge in Port Charlotte. I opened for David Alan Grier (right) and cruise ship comedian Al Ernst. Al has a weekly radio show, and offered me the chance to be a member of his Laugh Pack, and a regular on his weekly E-Man Nation Radio Show, which broadcasts from WSRQ 1220 AM out of Sarasota. The show is every Saturday morning from 9:30am - 11am. You can listen online at http://www.newstalk1220.com/. I do a segment called Traci's Twisted Tidbits. It's real news with my twisted views, and it's a lot of fun. (Left) Myself with my Big Brothers Big Sisters "little sister," Cheyenne, who got to read some jokes on the air. In all of this, my mother came to visit for Thanksgiving, and we had a blast shopping.

December was spent working, shopping, decorating, and celebrating the holidays. It was also determined that our house had termites and would need tenting. Cha-ching! Mike and I had a wonderful, quiet Christmas with my mother and his dad. We fell asleep by 11pm New Year's Eve. I was going to need the rest.

Because January - I was off and running! I did 4 shows at Laugh In's in Ft. Myers with the very funny Frankie Paul. For Groucho's Comedy Clubs, I opened for April Macie, of Last Comic Standing: 1 show in Cocoa Beach, 2 shows in Melbourne, and 2 shows in Port St. Lucie. Picture at left is April Macie's mom Karen, April and myself. I also did my 4 weekly radio shows, and 1 very special show at McCurdy's - a female impersonator show. I was the only "real" female in the show - see below. Lindsay Carlton (far left picture). Michelle, "M", myself and Iman below. I had a dynamite show, and maybe someday I'll be able to borrow Iman's red dress. I plan on

wearing it to confession.

"Forgive me Father, for I have done comedy at a female impersonator show. Too bad you couldn't make it!"